A handy guide to marrying the girl of your choice

In this day and age when you are capable of having your own set of ideas and opinions for most things in life, very often you will manage to find someone of your choice who you think fits the bill of the right life partner.

So when you broach this with your folks you are, often, instantly met with disapproval. Your parents will tell you that, after all the smartness they credit you with, marriage decisions are best taken with the advice of elders. They will bring to fore logic and reasons from their own perspective. They will highlight the differences in family, culture, tradition, language, eating habits or even profession. In some cases they may be disparaging of the girl’s family or even the girl.

The way you respond to this situation is crucial for you to make any head way. You need to stay your ground and explain to your folks how their concerns are all surmountable and in today's metropolitan life, the difference in one's personality caused by one's family’s tradition or profession are largely mitigated if not negated.

In the next stage of this saga you will find your folks completely ignoring the idea of this girl in your life for that matter even the idea of your marriage. They do not mention it and will ignore or stonewall any discussion with regards to your marriage plans. They will be oblivious or pretend as if such an idea doesn’t exist.

Getting to the next stage will depend on your response. Foremost, you must not let your determination fray. Second, indicate to your folks that you are willing to go ahead with the marriage even without their involvement.

In this stage your folks will once again disapprove but will now cite a different set of reasons. They will now use sentimental or emotional pressure. They will talk about how they had been planning for your marriage since you were a kid etc.

If, now you do not budge from your point it could have two possible results.

A) This is the more common result. Congratulations, your folks have at last come around and they are now talking dates, ensuring enough time to be able to organize things properly.

B) They harden their stand and oppose it tooth and nail. Don’t despair, you go ahead and get married. Congratulations.

Remember time is a great healer and a grand child can melt the toughest of hearts. However, should you actually have made a wrong decision; do not be afraid to discuss this with your folks so that a possible resolution can be achieved.



Post Script

For Men
1)If you have doubts in the first stage itself, then may be you should reconsider your decision.
2)Folks, in some part of their head/ heart believe that this girl is only a passing fad and that is why they try to buy time and tend to ignore it.

For Women
1)If you don’t stand by your man, there is little he can do.
2)Trust you have chosen the right guy, for a vast majority of men chicken out in the second and third stage.

For parents
1)Try and show reason – real, logical reasons to your son.
2)Try and explain your point instead of ignoring or stonewalling it.
3)If the son fails to see the logical reasons and is making a bad decision then damn yourself for not giving your child enough common sense.

Philoshpher's Notes III

This too has taken quite some time to come, the third ‘philosopher’s’ notes, just as the second did. Having a diverse set of knowledgeable and intelligent friends has contributed in putting this together.


The language of love

A good childhood friend, now with a mission to spread happiness (www.lovingsilence.org) shared with me key elements of a happy relationship. One of the most important ideas was ones ability to understand your loved ones mode of expressing love and affection.

People express their affection in the following five ways, but each one has one or two of these as the preferred way.

• With words of affection
• By spending quality time
• With affectionate touch
• With gifts and presents
• By acts of service

Interestingly while getting to know each other one tends to express affection in all the five ways and as one settles in the relationship the preferred ways come to fore and in absence of clear understanding of the above one feels reduced affection and love.

So go ahead and figure out what is your loved one’s preferred way of expressing love, and you will know that love has not changed a wee bit.


Why marrying within your caste made sense, but doesn't any more.

In any marriage compatibility of the people involved is paramount and also important is the woman's ability to adjust and adapt to the new set up she moves into (given our current social norms/patriarchal society).

Caste often determined ones social mores, values and ideas about life and things in life - education, money, religion etc given that caste at one point was the basis of profession and social standing. Therefore for a successful union of two people one stuck to choosing within the same caste because it was most compatible, least disruptive for the woman. It basically made sense.

However in the current times when you live a metropolitan life you tend to rise about the original caste norms customs and views. One tends to be more independent and individualistic, forming independent ideas of life. Given that everyone lives in the same environment one has similar factors helping influencing the formation of these ideas. To desire compatibility in marriage only with people of the same caste seems illogical, and just doesn't make sense.


How bullying is often confused with shrewdness

It is extremely easy (if your conscience doesn’t come in the way) to cheat someone who is a) poor and uneducated or is b) a member of the family.

When you cheat someone who is poor and uneducated, you cheat basis your ability to bully him or rather his inability to get back at you. This is extremely easy to achieve. This is often assumed to be your smartness or shrewdness.

When you cheat someone from your family, you are doing it when they least expect it. You have used the emotional comfort to make them naïve or in other words you have emotionally bullied them. The reprimand for this rarely more than a heated exchange of words (which gets forgotten soon enough)

So if you are really intelligent, smart and hence possibly shrewd, go out there and fight your own size and don’t bully the weak.

Back from the States

It has been a year since I was in Patna last, taking advantage of the long weekend around Gandhi jayanti I was once again there.

This visit, I was pleasantly surprised to see smooth and widened roads almost everywhere in the city. They are laying a drainage network for even the smaller roads - Patna was at last trying to get out of its rusticity. Electricity was not an issue and there existed this general buzz of activity and action around everywhere.

However the traffic was a pain, and the constant honking was extremely irritating besides being harsh to the ear. Cycle rickshaws on the thoroughfares don't make a large city. Doubt if these rickshaws are going to go off the arterial roads in the near future, with assembly elections just a year away.

Travel in the city using public transport is relatively costly - Rs 40 for some 8 to 9 km and that too traveling in cycle rickshaws, and shared auto rickshaws. The local administration should introduce auto rickshaw taxis, and retool able cycle rickshaws drivers to drive shared auto rickshaws and get the cycle rickshaws off the important roads.

The irrepressible people of Bihar are known by different names in the rest of the country. Harry to Hariya is often used, depending on ones degree of separation from rusticity. The people of Bihar have always been considered unique in their own way. No wonder Bihar is often called the States that is United States of Bihar – a world apart.

After all the Bihari is a different species - extremely intelligent, hardworking (mainly if you have migrated out of Bihar), rustic, diffident, religious with strong identities about caste, region and trade. A Bihari's penchant to try and relate to another person basis his caste is unbeatable. This visit I was reminded of a dialogue I would often have with co travelers during my train trips to Patna during school and university days. It used to be fun once I got a hang of it - people trying to know my caste, it would go like this….

'Kya naam hai aapka? (What is your name?)'

Manavendra.

My first name doesn't give away my caste, hence the following question would be asked.

'Par naam kya hai aapka? (But what is your name?)'

One is expected to give his complete name, that is, with the family name. Once I got wiser I would once again say ' Manavendra' therefore the next question would follow.

Pitaji ka naam kya hai? (What is your father's name?)'

Shri J S Prasad

So there you are, the surname has been conveyed. In these times of changing/adopted family names the next question was to be surer about ones inference.

Kahan ghar hua aapka? (Where is home for you? This actually meant which part of the state your ancestral home is in?)'

I would say ' Patna' if I wanted to be cheeky else would say Chapra as the answer to the intended question.

Every region of the state has predominance of one or two castes for example Chapra is suppose to have large number of Rajputs, Yadavs and Kayasthas. Patna being a large city, the dominance doesn't truly hold though Kayasthas are the numerically dominant community in the city. The caste along with the region of your ancestral home nearly confirms your caste but yet you will be asked.

To aap log kayastha hain? (So, you are from the Kayastha community)'

Incidentally in Bihar the caste name or the family name is called 'title' and you realise how important that surname is.

Bihar inspite its eccentricities has been central to the idea India for all its history save some 700 – 800 years in the last millennium and it is these people that are once again going to enable India to occupy its rightful place in the comity of nations.

Randomly Speaking II

Childhood values & teachings juxtaposed with real life situations make one, often, realize that…….

Hard work is the surest way to success, but not the only way

Philosopher's Notes II

This has taken quite some time to come, the second ‘philosopher's’ notes. Evaluating relationships and cherishing each one of those that I have has enabled me to put this together.

Advantages of having only a select few friends.

A friend in need is a friend indeed, is an age old adage but our understanding of the same has been lost in our inability to go beyond perceptions.

This adage has always had two qualifiers, the first is about a friend in need who are essentially what we call good friends and the second implies a select few friends. Therefore if you have too many friends, you essentially have no friend in deed.

The first advantage of having a limited number of good friends is that they are indeed friends in deed. With select few you are not spreading yourself too thin, and have a far greater bond. This short list has been basis a good degree of vetting and has been tested by time and hence is more durable and reliable. The best part of it all is that much of the trash around don’t bother you. They stay away, don’t waste your time and but for calling you names like snooty.

It’s worth it, quality friends command a premium. Your friends will feel lucky to have you as a good friend.


Why love at first sight doesn’t last?

You can be mesmerized, left speechless by someone’s beauty. But is that love. If it is something basis the first sight, will it last, for the premise, in this case - beauty, doesn’t last forever.

All such cases, methinks are mere infatuations. When you come to mother earth from the rarefied air of the infatuation, friction develops only to break it down soon thereafter. Relationships are built with the test of time and with the understanding of each other.

Look around, how many of such speed commitments have lasted the test of time.

Does your wife share a lot with your mother?

Sophocles' protagonist, a Greek mythical character Oedipus unwittingly murders his father and marries his mother and Freud with his sexually enriched psychoanalytical theory calls it the Oedipal Complex.

The Oedipal complex in simpler words is the attraction between a son and his mother or for that matter a woman in his immediate family who forms an important part of his life, possibly a sister. This attraction, outside Freud's world - which it mostly is, is not necessarily sexual. This connect is so inherent and hence natural that the man is easily attracted to women in whom he can see characteristics, habits, temperament etc of his mother/sister. Men often have a wife who reflects this attraction between a man and his mother/sister and by logical extension are sexually attracted to such women.

There is a female equivalent, known as the Electra complex

Then isn't Freud right after all?