India gets its name from the Indus River, which also lends it name to religion of the people – Hindu and the land is therefore also called Hindustan, the country of the Hindus. This country of the Hindus is the land between the Hindukush mountains in the west, the Himalayas in the north, the Arakan mountains in the east and the oceans in the south.
While there is so much to write about India, its history, culture, people, diversity, economy etc the following adds to all this – India my motherland as I see it, and understand it.
I am not a historian or a sociologist or for that matter a political scientist but a layman applying his common sense to understand his world.
Religion
I am a Hindu and Hinduism to me is the greatest religion.
The genesis of the Hinduism’s greatness lies in the fact that it developed into a religion from what was essentially a way of life. It is also probably why there is no known founder of Hinduism and when exactly was it founded is also not known. Hinduism does not have a unified system of belief encoded in declaration of faith or a creed but it is rather an umbrella term comprising varied traditions of life.
As a Hindu there is no code of conduct for me. There is no defined time, place or frequency of worship, no defined dietary restrictions nor any constraints on going to someone else’s place of worship. I can do what I feel like and I continue to be as much a Hindu as one can be.
One cannot be converted out of Hinduism or converted into Hinduism. One has to be born a Hindu. The concept of apostasy or blasphemy doesn’t exist in Hinduism. It is only in modern times that the concept of reclaiming Hindus was devised by what is called the ‘suddhi’ or purification ritual.
Further, Hinduism did not spread by the virtue of the sword. There were no religious crusades carried out by Hindu rulers, it was traders and travelers who spread to Hinduism to most of South East Asia
Casteism
While the concept of caste is not unique to the land called India, but it is most prominent here.
This system of division of labour and power in the society continues to play an important role in the Indian society. While a clear distinction for the priestly and warrior classes has existing in all societies, the Indian concept of ‘shudras’ or untouchables is some what unique.
In my opinion, the genesis of this unique concept lies in the fact that the India we know is an Aryan civilization and not the Indus Valley civilization. Aryans, people of the Caucasian mountains conquered India after destroying the Indus Valley civilization.
Aryan features are as the name suggests Caucasian, while the Indus Valley Civilisation was that of a people who were of Negroid features. When the Aryans swept into the vast plains of the Indus and the Ganga, the original inhabitants of India – the Negroes were pushed southwards towards the peninsula and eastwards towards the mountains. The conquered people were forced into the menial tasks and this created the class of ‘shudras’.
As the Aryans pushed further into India, conquering the plains was easy because of the simpler terrain, and numerous rivers for navigation. South however was slightly more difficult as the Deccan plateau and Ghats created natural barriers.
Further, over hundreds and thousands of years, inter breeding took place between the conquerors and the conquered and this (when combined with the climatic conditions of the country in various parts) resulted in the current physical features of Indians.
The evidence of this theory is the following.....
a) People in North and North West India are of fairer skin and closer to the Caucasian looks and features.
b) People in Southern India normally have darker skin and are more likely to have Negroid features than those in North India.
c) People in Bangladesh, the eastern extent of the Aryan push in the plains of the Ganga and Brahamputra are more likely to have Negroid features than those in say Punjab or Kashmir.
d) Tribal societies, in all parts of India, may have seen far less or no inter breeding with the Aryans and hence often have very pronounced Negroid features – dark skin, thick lips, curly hair etc.
e) Lower castes or the current scheduled castes are more likely to have lesser Aryan features than say Brahmins, for example darker skin.
Isn’t it strange, the worst off sections of our society – tribal and lower castes are more Indians than the rest of other Indians?
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Why Sushil ji is my hero?
Over the last few days we have witnessed, on prime time television, a phenomenon which has been showing up with increased frequency. This phenomenon of very ordinary people using varied platforms to transform their lives with sheer intelligence, knowledge and confidence. Sushil Kumar, the winner of this season’s Kaun Banega Crorepati typified this phenomenon as he transformed his and his family’s life beyond his imagination.
This Sushil Kumar is my hero, and let me tell you why.
His story is that of a true slumdog millionaire. From earning a salary of mere Rs6000 per month to winning Rs 5crores in one fine evening by the virtue of his knowledge, intelligence and confidence is nothing but stupendous. His ever smiling face did not give us even an iota of an idea of his difficult background.
Sushil‘s, rather Sushilji’s (quite like the way my fellow Bihari brethren are used to being addressed) simplicity was rather exotic, after all who on national television proclaims his difficulty in managing the pressure of nature’s call. Unwittingly he also taught us key lessons in quizzing – you don’t need to know all answers, you can provide correct answers by choosing by elimination and by intelligently guessing.
Sushilji’s values impressed me most. His reverence for his elder brothers, one of which appeared to be his father figure, is quite unheard of in our metropolitan lives. His yearning to learn and gain knowledge was noteworthy. His belief in the adage ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ and rest is a bahana – an excuse is heartwarming. Rarely had any participant thanked the ‘expert advisor’ as profusely as Sushilji did. His gratitude towards the ushers at the studio also stood out. The strong sense of patriotism kept surfacing when Sushilji and his brothers repeatedly told us how happy they were to have done their district and state proud.
These values and ideas probably belong to a different age. They are rather romantic when it comes from people without enough to eat or a proper house to call home.
Inspite of the humongous amount of money that Sushilji won, his aspirations remain simple. He wants to read many more books and become a writer. Not for him, setting up a business that will make him more money.
In various ways Sushilji embodies the state he comes from, Bihar - a place with large hearted people with simple aspirations. A people deeply endued in the romanticism of culture, history and values. However inherent in Sushilji’s encounter with national television was an outdated phenomenon of the youth aspiring for government jobs. This doesn’t seem to have changed yet in the fast changing Bihar.
For many more Sushilji’s to be discovered it will be important that the state creates avenues and provides appropriate platforms to the talented people of Bihar.
Congratulations and well done, Sushilji. I am your fan.
This Sushil Kumar is my hero, and let me tell you why.
His story is that of a true slumdog millionaire. From earning a salary of mere Rs6000 per month to winning Rs 5crores in one fine evening by the virtue of his knowledge, intelligence and confidence is nothing but stupendous. His ever smiling face did not give us even an iota of an idea of his difficult background.
Sushil‘s, rather Sushilji’s (quite like the way my fellow Bihari brethren are used to being addressed) simplicity was rather exotic, after all who on national television proclaims his difficulty in managing the pressure of nature’s call. Unwittingly he also taught us key lessons in quizzing – you don’t need to know all answers, you can provide correct answers by choosing by elimination and by intelligently guessing.
Sushilji’s values impressed me most. His reverence for his elder brothers, one of which appeared to be his father figure, is quite unheard of in our metropolitan lives. His yearning to learn and gain knowledge was noteworthy. His belief in the adage ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ and rest is a bahana – an excuse is heartwarming. Rarely had any participant thanked the ‘expert advisor’ as profusely as Sushilji did. His gratitude towards the ushers at the studio also stood out. The strong sense of patriotism kept surfacing when Sushilji and his brothers repeatedly told us how happy they were to have done their district and state proud.
These values and ideas probably belong to a different age. They are rather romantic when it comes from people without enough to eat or a proper house to call home.
Inspite of the humongous amount of money that Sushilji won, his aspirations remain simple. He wants to read many more books and become a writer. Not for him, setting up a business that will make him more money.
In various ways Sushilji embodies the state he comes from, Bihar - a place with large hearted people with simple aspirations. A people deeply endued in the romanticism of culture, history and values. However inherent in Sushilji’s encounter with national television was an outdated phenomenon of the youth aspiring for government jobs. This doesn’t seem to have changed yet in the fast changing Bihar.
For many more Sushilji’s to be discovered it will be important that the state creates avenues and provides appropriate platforms to the talented people of Bihar.
Congratulations and well done, Sushilji. I am your fan.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Whither Wealth Management in India
The following article was published in the Business World (4th April, 2011) as 'A Wealthy Experience'
http://www.businessworld.in/bw/2011_03_25_A_Wealthy_Experience.html
India's booming economy is leading to great changes in its financial markets. One such change is the emergence of numerous players in the booming Indian Wealth Management market place. The economic growth in India has led to significant rise in disposable incomes and the ranks of affluent household have been soaring like never before. This huge business opportunity calls for specialized wealth management companies and various companies with little to do with wealth management have stepped in. But how will these players create their space in this action packed market which is yet to break out of the structural constraints of yester years?
This industry operates in various segments – i) Mass Affluent, customers with invest-able surplus of some Rs30lakhs to upto Rs1crore; ii) Affluent, customers with invest-able surplus of approximately Rs1crore to upto Rs5crore; iii) High Networth Individuals (HNI), customers with invest-able surplus of more than 5crore.
While the Mass Affluent and Affluent customers are being serviced by preferred or priority banking divisions of the retails banks, HNIs by organizations which call their services ‘Private Banking’. The new entrants in the market have the affluent customer as their target segment. These independent Wealth Management (IWM) companies plan to address the more sophisticated requirements of the Affluent customer and also benefit from the sense of disillusionment against their existing Wealth Managers.
Investors across the spectrum suffered during the credit crisis because of the inherent shortcomings of the existing structures in the wealth management practice - product pushing, and absence of advice and portfolio churn. This and recent events such as the Citibank wealth management fraud has catalyzed action towards putting together comprehensive regulations for this business – not an easy task given involvement of multiple regulators.
IWM companies are trying to fill the space between private banking and preferred banking as Affluent customers are currently being served, rather very inadequately, by the preferred banking divisions.
The current regulatory structure doesn’t allow banks to offer a wide range of investment products or offer the advisory services the Affluent investor requires and increasingly expects. Further, changes in the mutual fund industry have reduced the existing margins dramatically – MF being the mainstay of the investment product offerings at preferred banking divisions. The regulations suggest that investors pay directly to advisors hence link revenue to quality of advice and service. This can be best done in an independent wealth management company structure.
The business model of an IWM revolves around the following factors
• Offer a very wide product suite which can help provide customized solutions for the investor.
• Offer advice which is independent, sophisticated and proactive.
• Have an enhanced level of service offering, using superior technology.
• Create a brand to which trust, credibility, integrity can be readily associated.
Affluent customers confront considerable complexity and vast opportunities in the financial markets. To help affluent customers navigate the market ups and downs and to take advantage of opportunities while paying close attention to their needs and factors that may affect individual circumstances, a sophisticated advisory process and a very wide product suite is required.
However the current offering from these IWM companies seems to be a copy of their preferred banking cousins. They are found wanting on all counts except with regards to their ability to offer a wider product suite. An IWM product suite normally comprises, besides the regular MF, PMS, VC Funds and deposits, high involvement products like real estate, trust services, and sophisticated structures. In other aspects too, when pitted against preferred banking business, IWM companies again fall short.
Products push approach, recommendations based on only quantitative variables and historic data characterize the advisory platforms of preferred banking divisions. And as IWM companies have hired most of their client facing team from the preferred banking space, their advisory platform too is hostage to these factors. Most such people are yet to develop an approach of listening to and understanding client needs, and proactively provide an up to date investment advice and designing wealth management solutions.
Further no IWM company has yet been able to create a brand to which trust, credibility, integrity can be readily associated. They are no match to the delightful service banks, especially MNC Banks offer to their preferred customers.
Hence for IWM companies to become significant players in the Indian wealth management industry a hard look at the existing structures is required. They will need to invest, in a big way, in their people. There is a pressing need for training and skill enhancements of the people so that they are well informed and can offer high quality advice to their customers. In the advisory proposition there is a need to include more sophisticated tools for asset allocation and model portfolios. Including concepts of dynamic asset allocation and qualitative factors in the advisory process, along with specialized research on Alternate Investment products will position themselves to offer products and services that affluent investors rightfully demand and expect.
A brand building exercise is also important as most of these IWM have been set up by equity broking companies and the equity broking companies in India have rarely commanded trust and respect. A respected and trustworthy brand will help IWM companies reach out to their rapidly increasing potential customer base, who might be currently being serviced by the private bank across the street.
Independent Wealth Management companies should offer end to end services from wealth creation, to wealth protection and estate planning and in the process form generation long relationships. It is only then that these independent wealth management companies will be able to come into their own.
http://www.businessworld.in/bw/2011_03_25_A_Wealthy_Experience.html
India's booming economy is leading to great changes in its financial markets. One such change is the emergence of numerous players in the booming Indian Wealth Management market place. The economic growth in India has led to significant rise in disposable incomes and the ranks of affluent household have been soaring like never before. This huge business opportunity calls for specialized wealth management companies and various companies with little to do with wealth management have stepped in. But how will these players create their space in this action packed market which is yet to break out of the structural constraints of yester years?
This industry operates in various segments – i) Mass Affluent, customers with invest-able surplus of some Rs30lakhs to upto Rs1crore; ii) Affluent, customers with invest-able surplus of approximately Rs1crore to upto Rs5crore; iii) High Networth Individuals (HNI), customers with invest-able surplus of more than 5crore.
While the Mass Affluent and Affluent customers are being serviced by preferred or priority banking divisions of the retails banks, HNIs by organizations which call their services ‘Private Banking’. The new entrants in the market have the affluent customer as their target segment. These independent Wealth Management (IWM) companies plan to address the more sophisticated requirements of the Affluent customer and also benefit from the sense of disillusionment against their existing Wealth Managers.
Investors across the spectrum suffered during the credit crisis because of the inherent shortcomings of the existing structures in the wealth management practice - product pushing, and absence of advice and portfolio churn. This and recent events such as the Citibank wealth management fraud has catalyzed action towards putting together comprehensive regulations for this business – not an easy task given involvement of multiple regulators.
IWM companies are trying to fill the space between private banking and preferred banking as Affluent customers are currently being served, rather very inadequately, by the preferred banking divisions.
The current regulatory structure doesn’t allow banks to offer a wide range of investment products or offer the advisory services the Affluent investor requires and increasingly expects. Further, changes in the mutual fund industry have reduced the existing margins dramatically – MF being the mainstay of the investment product offerings at preferred banking divisions. The regulations suggest that investors pay directly to advisors hence link revenue to quality of advice and service. This can be best done in an independent wealth management company structure.
The business model of an IWM revolves around the following factors
• Offer a very wide product suite which can help provide customized solutions for the investor.
• Offer advice which is independent, sophisticated and proactive.
• Have an enhanced level of service offering, using superior technology.
• Create a brand to which trust, credibility, integrity can be readily associated.
Affluent customers confront considerable complexity and vast opportunities in the financial markets. To help affluent customers navigate the market ups and downs and to take advantage of opportunities while paying close attention to their needs and factors that may affect individual circumstances, a sophisticated advisory process and a very wide product suite is required.
However the current offering from these IWM companies seems to be a copy of their preferred banking cousins. They are found wanting on all counts except with regards to their ability to offer a wider product suite. An IWM product suite normally comprises, besides the regular MF, PMS, VC Funds and deposits, high involvement products like real estate, trust services, and sophisticated structures. In other aspects too, when pitted against preferred banking business, IWM companies again fall short.
Products push approach, recommendations based on only quantitative variables and historic data characterize the advisory platforms of preferred banking divisions. And as IWM companies have hired most of their client facing team from the preferred banking space, their advisory platform too is hostage to these factors. Most such people are yet to develop an approach of listening to and understanding client needs, and proactively provide an up to date investment advice and designing wealth management solutions.
Further no IWM company has yet been able to create a brand to which trust, credibility, integrity can be readily associated. They are no match to the delightful service banks, especially MNC Banks offer to their preferred customers.
Hence for IWM companies to become significant players in the Indian wealth management industry a hard look at the existing structures is required. They will need to invest, in a big way, in their people. There is a pressing need for training and skill enhancements of the people so that they are well informed and can offer high quality advice to their customers. In the advisory proposition there is a need to include more sophisticated tools for asset allocation and model portfolios. Including concepts of dynamic asset allocation and qualitative factors in the advisory process, along with specialized research on Alternate Investment products will position themselves to offer products and services that affluent investors rightfully demand and expect.
A brand building exercise is also important as most of these IWM have been set up by equity broking companies and the equity broking companies in India have rarely commanded trust and respect. A respected and trustworthy brand will help IWM companies reach out to their rapidly increasing potential customer base, who might be currently being serviced by the private bank across the street.
Independent Wealth Management companies should offer end to end services from wealth creation, to wealth protection and estate planning and in the process form generation long relationships. It is only then that these independent wealth management companies will be able to come into their own.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Recent Publications
Two recent publications.
First in the Money Today, the personal finance magazine of the India Today Group. Guest Column in the September 2010 issue.
http://moneytoday.intoday.in/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&issueid=86&id=6355&Itemid=1§ionid=106
Second in the Business Standard. 'Opinion' in the Saturday 2nd October, 2010 issue.
http://www.business-standard.com/india/news/manavendra-prasad-mutual-fundsstillbest-bet/409893/
First in the Money Today, the personal finance magazine of the India Today Group. Guest Column in the September 2010 issue.
http://moneytoday.intoday.in/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&issueid=86&id=6355&Itemid=1§ionid=106
Second in the Business Standard. 'Opinion' in the Saturday 2nd October, 2010 issue.
http://www.business-standard.com/india/news/manavendra-prasad-mutual-fundsstillbest-bet/409893/
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Mumbai only for Mee
Ages ago, while I was working in Mumbai the Indian Express asked me to write some 500 words about being an outsider in Mumbai, for their end of the year special editions. This was in the backdrop of Raj Thackeray and his hooligans then as part of the Shiv Sena beating up students from UP & Bihar who had come to Maharashtra to write the entrance test for jobs in the Railways.
How the Indian Express reached is rather interesting. I had written a small article and with a desire to have it published took it to the newspaper. They didn't it like and rejected my contribution. I wrote another article, this time about Bihar. The local(Bombay) editorial team liked it and they sent it to their central editorial team in Delhi. A couple of days later I heard from them, to be told that they couldn't carry the article.
I asked, why?
They said, ' Who are you that we should publish the article?'
I was stumped, I always had been sure of my identity.
Then a month or say later they called to check if I was keen to write for their end of the year editions.
Pasted below is the said article I had sent to them. Further below is the link to what was actually published.
So that is how my second article was published in a newspaper. Though the editing left me very dissatisfied, I felt like a celebrity with the photographer from the newspaper spending half a day clicking pictures of me all over the city.
My Contribution
A European friend on his first trip to India was briefed by his consulate that Bombay was not India and yet all of India, but for me, fresh out of India’s irrepressible cow belt Bombay was and is what only India could be. Bombay is a microcosm of the whole of India – rich, diverse, tolerant and ‘shining’.
My encounter with the city initially was full of disappointments. Soon after I had arrived the city shut shop because it happened to have rained heavily the night before. The dividers on arterial roads were submerged under water and above all people didn’t think twice before wading across ankle or even knee deep mucky water. The only thing people seemed to eat were ‘pav’ and everything they said seemed to end with a ‘che’. People appeared to be mild to the extent of being sissy, and this was quite disconcerting for someone who had till then lived only in the pushy, and crass north.
Names of most fashionable stores written in Hindi, besides the usual English, albeit in small font was a peculiar sight. The Oval maidan and its cricketers in whites amidst the neo Gothic buildings gave it all an old world charm. The sensex indicator at Churchgate station appeared quite queer. No conversation being complete without discussing and predicting sensex levels felt a trifle too materialistic.
Live in Bombay for a couple of weeks and you see all the original notions of the city crashing one after another, and that sure happened with me too. From the initial fascination of the endless and rumbling sea to the kem cho’s the city simply grew on me. The mildness was better appreciated as the politeness and the civic sense of its citizens. The unusual spectacle of queues at bus stops and trains running by the minute and not by the quarter of the hour soon became routine. The city did not sleep and the freedom to go anywhere and at any hour without any fear or whatsoever gave me a sort of a heady feeling and I realized I was snugly falling in love with this city.
Though the on and off xenophobic violence under the ‘Mee Mumbaikar’ campaign raises some questions about the city’s large heart and its accommodating spirit, here too one needn’t despair for these incidences fall in the realm of politics for was it not the Tamils at the receiving end some years ago. These are for the voters’ consumption which we from Bihar and UP find it easy to appreciate given the disproportionately large public space we give to politics back home. Such incidences are against the spirit of Bombay for Bombay thrives on its cosmopolitan culture and has always accepted in her bosom anyone who has chosen to seek his fortune here.
Hence and not surprisingly, living in Bombay for the past few years has made me realize that living elsewhere now would be a difficult proposition.
The link to the published article
http://cities.expressindia.com/local-news/archivefullstory.php?newsid=71732&creation_date=2003-12-27"
How the Indian Express reached is rather interesting. I had written a small article and with a desire to have it published took it to the newspaper. They didn't it like and rejected my contribution. I wrote another article, this time about Bihar. The local(Bombay) editorial team liked it and they sent it to their central editorial team in Delhi. A couple of days later I heard from them, to be told that they couldn't carry the article.
I asked, why?
They said, ' Who are you that we should publish the article?'
I was stumped, I always had been sure of my identity.
Then a month or say later they called to check if I was keen to write for their end of the year editions.
Pasted below is the said article I had sent to them. Further below is the link to what was actually published.
So that is how my second article was published in a newspaper. Though the editing left me very dissatisfied, I felt like a celebrity with the photographer from the newspaper spending half a day clicking pictures of me all over the city.
My Contribution
A European friend on his first trip to India was briefed by his consulate that Bombay was not India and yet all of India, but for me, fresh out of India’s irrepressible cow belt Bombay was and is what only India could be. Bombay is a microcosm of the whole of India – rich, diverse, tolerant and ‘shining’.
My encounter with the city initially was full of disappointments. Soon after I had arrived the city shut shop because it happened to have rained heavily the night before. The dividers on arterial roads were submerged under water and above all people didn’t think twice before wading across ankle or even knee deep mucky water. The only thing people seemed to eat were ‘pav’ and everything they said seemed to end with a ‘che’. People appeared to be mild to the extent of being sissy, and this was quite disconcerting for someone who had till then lived only in the pushy, and crass north.
Names of most fashionable stores written in Hindi, besides the usual English, albeit in small font was a peculiar sight. The Oval maidan and its cricketers in whites amidst the neo Gothic buildings gave it all an old world charm. The sensex indicator at Churchgate station appeared quite queer. No conversation being complete without discussing and predicting sensex levels felt a trifle too materialistic.
Live in Bombay for a couple of weeks and you see all the original notions of the city crashing one after another, and that sure happened with me too. From the initial fascination of the endless and rumbling sea to the kem cho’s the city simply grew on me. The mildness was better appreciated as the politeness and the civic sense of its citizens. The unusual spectacle of queues at bus stops and trains running by the minute and not by the quarter of the hour soon became routine. The city did not sleep and the freedom to go anywhere and at any hour without any fear or whatsoever gave me a sort of a heady feeling and I realized I was snugly falling in love with this city.
Though the on and off xenophobic violence under the ‘Mee Mumbaikar’ campaign raises some questions about the city’s large heart and its accommodating spirit, here too one needn’t despair for these incidences fall in the realm of politics for was it not the Tamils at the receiving end some years ago. These are for the voters’ consumption which we from Bihar and UP find it easy to appreciate given the disproportionately large public space we give to politics back home. Such incidences are against the spirit of Bombay for Bombay thrives on its cosmopolitan culture and has always accepted in her bosom anyone who has chosen to seek his fortune here.
Hence and not surprisingly, living in Bombay for the past few years has made me realize that living elsewhere now would be a difficult proposition.
The link to the published article
http://cities.expressindia.com/local-news/archivefullstory.php?newsid=71732&creation_date=2003-12-27"
Friday, December 25, 2009
A handy guide to marrying the girl of your choice
In this day and age when you are capable of having your own set of ideas and opinions for most things in life, very often you will manage to find someone of your choice who you think fits the bill of the right life partner.
So when you broach this with your folks you are, often, instantly met with disapproval. Your parents will tell you that, after all the smartness they credit you with, marriage decisions are best taken with the advice of elders. They will bring to fore logic and reasons from their own perspective. They will highlight the differences in family, culture, tradition, language, eating habits or even profession. In some cases they may be disparaging of the girl’s family or even the girl.
The way you respond to this situation is crucial for you to make any head way. You need to stay your ground and explain to your folks how their concerns are all surmountable and in today's metropolitan life, the difference in one's personality caused by one's family’s tradition or profession are largely mitigated if not negated.
In the next stage of this saga you will find your folks completely ignoring the idea of this girl in your life for that matter even the idea of your marriage. They do not mention it and will ignore or stonewall any discussion with regards to your marriage plans. They will be oblivious or pretend as if such an idea doesn’t exist.
Getting to the next stage will depend on your response. Foremost, you must not let your determination fray. Second, indicate to your folks that you are willing to go ahead with the marriage even without their involvement.
In this stage your folks will once again disapprove but will now cite a different set of reasons. They will now use sentimental or emotional pressure. They will talk about how they had been planning for your marriage since you were a kid etc.
If, now you do not budge from your point it could have two possible results.
A) This is the more common result. Congratulations, your folks have at last come around and they are now talking dates, ensuring enough time to be able to organize things properly.
B) They harden their stand and oppose it tooth and nail. Don’t despair, you go ahead and get married. Congratulations.
Remember time is a great healer and a grand child can melt the toughest of hearts. However, should you actually have made a wrong decision; do not be afraid to discuss this with your folks so that a possible resolution can be achieved.
Post Script
For Men
1)If you have doubts in the first stage itself, then may be you should reconsider your decision.
2)Folks, in some part of their head/ heart believe that this girl is only a passing fad and that is why they try to buy time and tend to ignore it.
For Women
1)If you don’t stand by your man, there is little he can do.
2)Trust you have chosen the right guy, for a vast majority of men chicken out in the second and third stage.
For parents
1)Try and show reason – real, logical reasons to your son.
2)Try and explain your point instead of ignoring or stonewalling it.
3)If the son fails to see the logical reasons and is making a bad decision then damn yourself for not giving your child enough common sense.
So when you broach this with your folks you are, often, instantly met with disapproval. Your parents will tell you that, after all the smartness they credit you with, marriage decisions are best taken with the advice of elders. They will bring to fore logic and reasons from their own perspective. They will highlight the differences in family, culture, tradition, language, eating habits or even profession. In some cases they may be disparaging of the girl’s family or even the girl.
The way you respond to this situation is crucial for you to make any head way. You need to stay your ground and explain to your folks how their concerns are all surmountable and in today's metropolitan life, the difference in one's personality caused by one's family’s tradition or profession are largely mitigated if not negated.
In the next stage of this saga you will find your folks completely ignoring the idea of this girl in your life for that matter even the idea of your marriage. They do not mention it and will ignore or stonewall any discussion with regards to your marriage plans. They will be oblivious or pretend as if such an idea doesn’t exist.
Getting to the next stage will depend on your response. Foremost, you must not let your determination fray. Second, indicate to your folks that you are willing to go ahead with the marriage even without their involvement.
In this stage your folks will once again disapprove but will now cite a different set of reasons. They will now use sentimental or emotional pressure. They will talk about how they had been planning for your marriage since you were a kid etc.
If, now you do not budge from your point it could have two possible results.
A) This is the more common result. Congratulations, your folks have at last come around and they are now talking dates, ensuring enough time to be able to organize things properly.
B) They harden their stand and oppose it tooth and nail. Don’t despair, you go ahead and get married. Congratulations.
Remember time is a great healer and a grand child can melt the toughest of hearts. However, should you actually have made a wrong decision; do not be afraid to discuss this with your folks so that a possible resolution can be achieved.
Post Script
For Men
1)If you have doubts in the first stage itself, then may be you should reconsider your decision.
2)Folks, in some part of their head/ heart believe that this girl is only a passing fad and that is why they try to buy time and tend to ignore it.
For Women
1)If you don’t stand by your man, there is little he can do.
2)Trust you have chosen the right guy, for a vast majority of men chicken out in the second and third stage.
For parents
1)Try and show reason – real, logical reasons to your son.
2)Try and explain your point instead of ignoring or stonewalling it.
3)If the son fails to see the logical reasons and is making a bad decision then damn yourself for not giving your child enough common sense.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Philoshpher's Notes III
This too has taken quite some time to come, the third ‘philosopher’s’ notes, just as the second did. Having a diverse set of knowledgeable and intelligent friends has contributed in putting this together.
The language of love
A good childhood friend, now with a mission to spread happiness (www.lovingsilence.org) shared with me key elements of a happy relationship. One of the most important ideas was ones ability to understand your loved ones mode of expressing love and affection.
People express their affection in the following five ways, but each one has one or two of these as the preferred way.
• With words of affection
• By spending quality time
• With affectionate touch
• With gifts and presents
• By acts of service
Interestingly while getting to know each other one tends to express affection in all the five ways and as one settles in the relationship the preferred ways come to fore and in absence of clear understanding of the above one feels reduced affection and love.
So go ahead and figure out what is your loved one’s preferred way of expressing love, and you will know that love has not changed a wee bit.
Why marrying within your caste made sense, but doesn't any more.
In any marriage compatibility of the people involved is paramount and also important is the woman's ability to adjust and adapt to the new set up she moves into (given our current social norms/patriarchal society).
Caste often determined ones social mores, values and ideas about life and things in life - education, money, religion etc given that caste at one point was the basis of profession and social standing. Therefore for a successful union of two people one stuck to choosing within the same caste because it was most compatible, least disruptive for the woman. It basically made sense.
However in the current times when you live a metropolitan life you tend to rise about the original caste norms customs and views. One tends to be more independent and individualistic, forming independent ideas of life. Given that everyone lives in the same environment one has similar factors helping influencing the formation of these ideas. To desire compatibility in marriage only with people of the same caste seems illogical, and just doesn't make sense.
How bullying is often confused with shrewdness
It is extremely easy (if your conscience doesn’t come in the way) to cheat someone who is a) poor and uneducated or is b) a member of the family.
When you cheat someone who is poor and uneducated, you cheat basis your ability to bully him or rather his inability to get back at you. This is extremely easy to achieve. This is often assumed to be your smartness or shrewdness.
When you cheat someone from your family, you are doing it when they least expect it. You have used the emotional comfort to make them naïve or in other words you have emotionally bullied them. The reprimand for this rarely more than a heated exchange of words (which gets forgotten soon enough)
So if you are really intelligent, smart and hence possibly shrewd, go out there and fight your own size and don’t bully the weak.
The language of love
A good childhood friend, now with a mission to spread happiness (www.lovingsilence.org) shared with me key elements of a happy relationship. One of the most important ideas was ones ability to understand your loved ones mode of expressing love and affection.
People express their affection in the following five ways, but each one has one or two of these as the preferred way.
• With words of affection
• By spending quality time
• With affectionate touch
• With gifts and presents
• By acts of service
Interestingly while getting to know each other one tends to express affection in all the five ways and as one settles in the relationship the preferred ways come to fore and in absence of clear understanding of the above one feels reduced affection and love.
So go ahead and figure out what is your loved one’s preferred way of expressing love, and you will know that love has not changed a wee bit.
Why marrying within your caste made sense, but doesn't any more.
In any marriage compatibility of the people involved is paramount and also important is the woman's ability to adjust and adapt to the new set up she moves into (given our current social norms/patriarchal society).
Caste often determined ones social mores, values and ideas about life and things in life - education, money, religion etc given that caste at one point was the basis of profession and social standing. Therefore for a successful union of two people one stuck to choosing within the same caste because it was most compatible, least disruptive for the woman. It basically made sense.
However in the current times when you live a metropolitan life you tend to rise about the original caste norms customs and views. One tends to be more independent and individualistic, forming independent ideas of life. Given that everyone lives in the same environment one has similar factors helping influencing the formation of these ideas. To desire compatibility in marriage only with people of the same caste seems illogical, and just doesn't make sense.
How bullying is often confused with shrewdness
It is extremely easy (if your conscience doesn’t come in the way) to cheat someone who is a) poor and uneducated or is b) a member of the family.
When you cheat someone who is poor and uneducated, you cheat basis your ability to bully him or rather his inability to get back at you. This is extremely easy to achieve. This is often assumed to be your smartness or shrewdness.
When you cheat someone from your family, you are doing it when they least expect it. You have used the emotional comfort to make them naïve or in other words you have emotionally bullied them. The reprimand for this rarely more than a heated exchange of words (which gets forgotten soon enough)
So if you are really intelligent, smart and hence possibly shrewd, go out there and fight your own size and don’t bully the weak.
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